... On Meeting People in Bars

Hark! What spectacle do I observe from yonder brewpub? ‘Tis a spry, comely man, between 22 and 26 years old, approaching a young maiden with similar traits. He saunters forward, standing tall, alert to his surroundings. A well-placed quarter rolls into the jukebox behind him as the Peter Gabriel song, “In Your Eyes” comes on. He meets the woman’s gaze, mouthing internally the lyrics to this apropos song choice. In your eyes … the light, the heat… He radiates intensity, conveying with every gesture, every look, that he is confident, powerful, and decisive.

Is he aware, however, that his fly is unzipped?

The story has changed little over the past millennium. Boy meets girl. Boy chases girl. Girl catches boy. Love ensues. A thousand years ago, of course, one spent more time haggling with the maiden’s father over her dowry than actually talking to her, but the premise of romance lives on even in the absence of this heady tradition.

The setting of courtship in days past was the drawing room. Today, the best place to meet a person with positive attributes and compromised judgment is a bar.

As in many areas of contemporary life, courtship has gradually become more and more complex. Questions run through the minds of veritably all single people. How do I take that first step? How much talking should I do? How important is eye contact? Should I wear clothing? Are stories about my dead cat as interesting as I think they are?

The questions haunt you like Hamlet’s father, calling for you to answer them … and possibly kill your uncle. Worry not. The bar’s the thing, wherein you’ll catch the prospective wearer of your ring. Just follow these simple pointers.

1. Lurking in the shadows, while it may mask your ghastly visage, is not as sexy as you think it is. Approach the bar itself and converse with other bipedal mammals around you. Enjoy a few drinks, loiter around the jukebox saying smart things about The Velvet Underground, or just plant yourself outside the girls’ bathroom and peek in.
2. If asked to dance, consider acquiescing. While this invitation may have been an effort in cultures past to steal your soul, today it is considered an acceptable courtship ritual. If you are a man, however, take care that the person inviting you to dance is not a sorceress. If you spot a spell book or mystic crystal, use garlic to ward off the sprightly siren.
3. If you are a woman, assume the men who approach you will pay for the drinks. No one knows exactly how old this tradition is, but some have speculated that it originated with Adam and Eve. In the first weeks of existence, God created only one mug, which Adam quickly claimed for his own. He then wrote, “God’s number one special guy” on it and refused to share it with Eve. Thus, today, men must buy all drinks for women as retribution.

Above all else, keep your dignity. Nothing ruins a prospective relationship more effectively than twenty to thirty minutes of begging for a date. Avoid this misstep and before long, you’ll be complaining about the quagmires and pitfalls of being in a relationship.