Making a Thought Provoking
Hollywood Blockbuster

This year’s Hollywood blockbusters posed a variety of deep questions. What role does communication play in world affairs? Is the diamond industry a symbol of pure corruption? Are money and happiness one and the same? Can anything make the British monarchy interesting?

Movies like “Babel,” “Blood Diamond,” “The Pursuit of Happyness,” and “The Queen” took on tough topics, simultaneously showcasing the sensuality of Hollywood’s most alluring stars.

To everyone’s chagrin, these movies did not perform up to market expectations. Only “The Pursuit of Happyness” could be called a popular hit. This year, moviegoers chose instead to see movies like “Pirates 2,” “the DaVinci Code,” and some of those digital cartoons.

Making a compelling, thought-provoking blockbuster isn’t difficult. A few simple rules will turn any flounder social statement into a popular success.

1. Relegate the social issues in the movie to the background in favor of a romance between two beautiful white people. “Blood Diamond” tries for this effect but includes at least fifteen minutes of movie where neither Jennifer Connelly nor Leonardo DiCaprio are center frame. In a vain effort to depict African sorrow, the film avoids a powerful sex scene between these two stars. The movie would have been much more successful if it had worked a little harder, possibly implying along the way that strife in Africa is OK as long as it provides an environment for white romance to flourish.

2. Racial tropes are a must. Take a page from the guidebook to “Crash,” which won the Oscar for Best Picture in 2005. Every member of a minority group should randomly and inexplicably hate another group. Babel, despite many inexplicable moments, tries to hard to paint a more complex portrait of racism, fear, and even alleged terrorism. Audiences like their racial representations the way I like my ice cream: simple, smooth, and mostly vanilla.

3. When in doubt, hire a wistful narrator. Morgan Freeman is available. There may even be a website where you paste dialogue into a window and it converts the lines into a Morgan Freeman narration. If this site doesn’t exist, it ought to.

4. Sing it loud. If music tells people how to feel, thought-provoking movies require a special kind of soundtrack/score. The pivotal number should resemble (or simply be) “Let the River Run,” by Carly Simon. It showcases the perfect mixture of hope and schlock to assure Oscar gold and audience glee. In fact, “Let the River Run” won an Oscar in 1988 after appearing in the movie “Working Girl.” If you’ve never heard it, do yourself a favor a click here.

5. Finally, the most important part of a makes-you-think picture is the ending. The good guys have to win. Take “The Pursuit of Happyness,” starring Will Smith. In “Fresh Prince” Smith destroyed racial stereotypes; in “Independence Day” he destroyed interstellar invaders; In “Wild, Wild, West,” he destroyed the Western. This year, his heartfelt portrayal of a single parent who works as a Dean Witter intern by day and a moonlights as a hobo really threatened to make people think. By the end of the movie, however, Smith had officially conquered homelessness. Movies like “Babel” settled for less straightforward conclusions and paid the price.