Eleanor of Aquitaine
on the Thin Line Between
Interrogation and Torture

Ever since 9/11, citizens and public officials have engaged in debate over the appropriate line between humane treatment of suspected terrorists and aggressive strategies aimed at keeping Americans safe. Fmr. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and President George W. Bush have taken the lead in rolling back human rights. Atrocities at Abu Ghraib and questions about detainees rights at Guantanamo have underscored increasing questions about America’s international standing.

In response to some of these concerns, Ann Coulter once wrote, "I think the government should be spying on all Arabs, engaging in torture as a televised spectator sport, dropping daisy cutters wantonly throughout the Middle East and sending liberals to Guantanamo." I couldn’t have said it better myself. As a woman born almost 900 years ago, I truly appreciate Coulter’s medieval perspective.

You may ask yourself, who is this “Eleanor of Aquitaine” to weigh in on torture and imprisonment? Let me just say, I know a little something about pain and suffering. To begin, I gave birth to ten children in my lifetime, two by my first husband, France’s Louis VII (a first-rate schmuck) and five by my second husband, England’s Henry II (a first-rate adulterer).

One of my sons became King Richard the Lionhearted, who spent most of his reign outside of England and thus became the nation’s most beloved monarchs. My youngest son became King John, and after signing Magna Carta and losing all of England’s territory in Brittany, went down in history as one of England’s “most disastrous rulers.”

In 1173, at age 51, I sided with my sons in an attempt to overthrow my husband as king. They failed and Henry threw me into prison for the next sixteen years. I was finally released when he died. Like I said, I know a little something about pain and suffering.

One last detail might be relevant. While married to Louis VII, I organized a force of armor-wearing women to accompany European armies on their Crusade against Islam. While my forces never technically saw battle, we had no illusions about who the infidel was. And we knew how to support the troops.

I use this venue today to send a plea of hope to President Bush. Please, sir, stop being so wishy-washy on torture. Come out boldly as soon as possible and use the threat of torture as a beacon of fear. Publicize your cold-hearted approach to international affairs. Let your policies strike fear into the hearts of a few key enemies, be they terrorists, journalists, or democrats.

During my era, people had a fairly straightforward code of decency. You never left leaches on someone’s face for too long, and if your wife betrayed you, you had her tossed in a dungeon. Christians were the good guys, and Muslims were the enemy, and everyone was happy. Baths were considered a dubious enterprise. But we were certain of one thing: torture worked. The United States could stand to learn a thing or two from the Dark Ages.