Which Fad Diet
Fits Your Needs/IQ?

We’ve all heard it a thousand times. “I want to lose weight, but I want to keep the depressing routines of my depressing life as depressingly similar to their current state as possible.” (Depressing!) All you have to do is watch the Today Show for a week to see how many fad diets are taking American society by storm. They range from eccentrically adorable to oddly bicurious, but one thing seems to matter above all else: results.

The Zone diet probably represents the biggest fad diet of 2006. According to zonedietinfo.com, “Zone Dieting means following recipes with a low-carbohydrate diet plan, where proteins do not dominate the carbohydrates. This allows dieters to get more energy from carbohydrates rather from proteins or fats.” The substance of this diet, however, matters little. Its title says it all. The Zone. It has to work. Picture a thick, broad shouldered trainer with a black T-shirt. What does the shirt say on it? The Zone.

For something a little spicier, consider the Atkins Diet. According to webmd.com, “The diet is based on the theory that overweight people eat too many carbohydrates. Our bodies burn both fat and carbohydrates for energy, but carbs are used first. By drastically reducing carbs and eating more protein and fat, our bodies naturally lose weight by burning stored body fat more efficiently.” Most people interpret this diet as a “license to beef.” The diet also urges its followers to avoid processed sugar, but most people ignore that rule and go straight for the T-bone. People may not be losing weight, but they’ve never been more willing to resolve their problems through bloody, gladiatorial combat.

The sexiest fad diet is the South Beach Diet. No one knows what it espouses, but people from South Beach sound thin. They’re probably all having sandy, blond sex right now.

In direct contrast, the Scarsdale Diet perhaps represents the worst thing to bring up on a first date: “The Scarsdale Diet is a low carb, low calorie, lots of water eating plan. Drinking lots of water flushes your system and makes the weight come off faster. Although the Scarsdale diet was one of the first low carb diets, it has lost popularity to other low carbohydrates programs” (weight-loss-institute.com/scarsdale_diet.htm). Imagine being approached by someone who tells you confidently, “I’m following Scarsdale, and my system has never felt more flushed.” This pickup line might work in a retirement home, but generally, it should be avoided.

The weirdest diet has to belong to our own Archibald Bosworth, who refuses to eat anything that ends in a vowel. The burrito, avocado, and banana are all forbidden. He also doesn’t allow anything that should end in a vowel but doesn’t when pluralized. No jellies, pitas, or tortillas. (Actually, most Mexican food is out.) Bosworth does not discriminate. He won’t eat anything that ends in A, E, I, O, or U. Sometimes we wonder why, but the inner workers of Archiballd Bosworth remain a mystery.