The Ambitious Lobbyist

Once upon a time, a young lobbyist made his way to Washington, DC with a rucksack full of dreams and an E.T. lunchbox full of tuna sandwiches and Watcha-ma-call-it Bars. He hopped on the Green Line somewhere in Maryland and got off near K Street, catching sight of a glimmering future as he approached his new office.

“Your job,” said his new boss a few hours later, “will be quite simple. Convince as many senators and congressmen as possible that our product should be legal.”

“What’s our product?” asked the young lobbyist.

“Oh, yes,” answered his Boss. “I almost forgot.”

With these words, the kindly employer revealed a small telecommunications device, which seemed unnecessarily equipped with some kind of interactive apparatus.

“It’s a cellular phone with a built-in video gaming system,” he told his new lobbyist. “The scientists say it causes epilepsy, but it’ll cost too much to go back to development, so we’re going to try to get it fast-tracked.”

The young lobbyist accepted a complimentary video game phone and set off for Capitol Hill. On the way, he noticed an overpriced, trendy, franchise coffee shop where they always over-roast the beans, destroying the coffee’s flavor.

“Mmmm,” said the lobbyist, “something trendy sounds delicious.”

On the way across the street, he noticed something strange in the sky. It resembled a fleck of light, perhaps, or possibly a flickering flame. Just then, however, his new phone starting to ring. No one was actually calling him, but his boss had programmed the phone to go off every time the user stopped playing video games for fifteen minutes straight.

The lobbyist succumbed to temptation, playing the video games on his phone for several minutes, which is why he failed to notice the small meteor that was plummeting toward him. A few moments later, he was gone, and all that remained was a smoking crater and a seemingly indestructible phone.

THE MORAL: Don’t be a lobbyist.