Inside God's
Hurricane Punditry

Are We Paying Close Enough Attention to the Coded Political Messages the Most High embeds in the radar images of the hurricanes?

Many people have heard something about hurricanes having eyes, but it might surprise Americans to find out that these monstrous and often disastrous weather anomalies also have mouths, and the song they're singing isn't pretty. In fact, it turns out the lyrics to this song are something like, "Drink it up, evildoers, because it's your last chance to enjoy a cocaine induced sex-capade before The Good Lord's gospel ship runs you off the road."

In 2005, an anti-abortion group called the Columbia Christians for Life noticed that a radar image of Hurricane Katrina above Louisiana included a small orange segment that slightly resembled a fetus in the first trimester of pregnancy.

God's message, according to the group? "Repent America." God had clearly positioned this image in the map, knowing that Americans would see the image and realize that any system of legalized abortion is evil. Louisiana, a state known for its sinful sicty of New Orleans, was the obvious object of God's wrath.

It's almost insane that no one had considered this line of inquiry before. God must be embedding message to humanity in radar images of hurricanes. All humanity must do to understand these messages is pay attention.

With this epiphany in mind, the editorial board at Bosworth began wondering whether the civilized world had come to its senses relatively late in the game. Has God been sending us hurricanagrams for years? We took look back at the big blasts of the last decade to find out exactly what the Almighty was trying to tell us.

Hurricane Hugo (1989): USA, dedicate appropriate resources to take your rightful place as World Cup champions.”

The circular vorticism of the image seen here can mean only one thing: God is furious at America’s inability to win a World Cup. Soccer, also known as football in the rest of the world, is one of humanity’s oldest sports. Throughout the globe, it represents arguably the most beloved game. Aux Etats-Unis, however, is another story, which has been reflected in the nation’s World Cup record. As of 1989, when Hurricane Hugo hit, the US had placed in the top three of this event only once … in 1930. In the next eight World Cups, the US did not advance past the second round. A quarterfinal performance in 2002 seemed to represent the turning point for Team USA, but a disappointing showing in 2006 dispelled that hope.

Some would argue that a so-called “circular shape” in a hurricane could be representative of any sport: basketball, baseball, even tennis. Oh yeah? How about duck hunting? Could it represent duck hunting? Didn’t think so.

Hurricane Andrew (1992): Shame on George H. Bush for Deciding Not to Invade Baghdad. .... I Will Punish Him (and the Rest of the World) by Making his Son George W. Bush President for Eight Years. If He Doesn't Invade Baghdad, You're Getting Jeb.

To the geography expert, this image probably does not resemble a map of Iraq. In the light of the statistic, however, that "after more than three years of combat and nearly 2,400 U.S. military deaths in Iraq, nearly two-thirds of Americans aged 18 to 24 still cannot find Iraq on a map," we are going to insist that this image looks exactly like the nation of Iraq. The big dot in the middle is Baghdad, symbolizing God's desire in 1992 to send a message about the Middle East to the nation. The long, thin shape to the left of the frame resembles, “The Middle East Peninsula,” which may or may not actually exist. (This image was apparently President Bush’s heavenly mandate to invade Iraq.)

Hurricane 3: Charley (2004): The Apocalypse Should Have Happened in 2000. Get Off Your Lazy Asses and Usher it in, America.

In the book of revelation, John describes his heaven-sent vision of the apocalypse: “Then I saw another mighty angel coming down from heaven, wrapped in a cloud, with a rainbow over his head, and his face was like the sun, and his legs like pillars of fire” (REV 10:1). This image resembles those pillars of fire referenced in John’s vision. The proof? It couldn’t be more obvious. Hurricanes normally look like large circles, but this image represents without ambiguity a pillar shaped object. Plus, the Bible quote itself says the angel will be “wrapped in a cloud.” What are hurricanes made of? Clouds.

Indeed, God clearly wants America to get off its lazy rump and start working hard to bring the apocalypse about. In order for this event to occur, we’ll need peace in the Middle East, as well as the conversion of the Jews to Christianity. Get cracking, America. God has spoken.

Hurricanes Dennis and Wilma (2005): Lewis "Scooter" Libby Should Not Be Charged with Perjury, and If He Is Convicted, He Should Be Quickly Pardoned by the President.

If only we had decoded this message sooner. In mid-March, Vice President Dick Cheney’s former chief-of-staff I Lewis “Scooter” Libby was found guilty of perjury and making false statements during an investigation into who leaked the secret identity of CIA agent Valerie Plame. God through imagery of these two hurricanes signaled to the American public that a conviction in this case was a sin against the almighty. True, neither radar image looks much like Plame, Libby, or anything else related to the trial. But if you rotate the images and layer them on top of one another, the result cannot be disputed. God embedded in these radar maps a headshot of Vice President Dick Cheney.

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