Jazzing Up the Iraq Partition Plan: Sloganize That Mofo

Perhaps the most important motto of the 21st century has been “all that glisters must be gold.” Whether it’s the revealing clothing displayed on MTV’s universally music free programming, or the aggressive language management of the Bush administration, our culture has taken a firm position in favor of style over substance. In fact, society hasn’t merely chosen style; it’s conquered substance’s kingdom, imprisoned its children, castrated its goats, and salted the earth so no crops will grow for a generation’s time. Substance now resides in a moldy hospital, hoping desperately that the power will come back on so it can watch three-week-old reruns of American Idol.

On the political front, language has become the determining factor in what a given movement represents. No Child Left Behind. The Patriot Act. The Clear Skies Initiative. Operation: Iraqi Freedom. These slogans seem to work, in spite of the slim/nonexistent relation between the saying and the stance. Or maybe these slogans work precisely because they’re so inaccurate.

Whether it’s the glitz of the gambit or the lure of lip service, sloganizing seems to work, which is exactly why the Joseph P Bidens of the nation should consider a effective slogan that explains to everyday Americans why the Iraq partition plan might just be a good idea. The plan has several elements in its favor, which should be reflected in the slogan.

1. Several key leaders, including President George H. Bush, have advocated a plan based on diplomacy.
2. Affiliating the three provinces under a less powerful federal authority could resolve so-called tribal conflicts.
3. A confederation, if coupled with revenue sharing over oil, has a real chance of reducing violence.
4. Peace between the Sunnis and Shia could clear the field to fight Al Qaeda in Iraq.

A good slogan for the partition plan would of course remove the word “partition,” which is know-it-all lingo for “divide.” The catchphrase should appeal to Middle America and the country’s most religious citizens.

Bosworth recommends the Biden plan adopt the slogan, “Iraqi Trinity: The father, the sons, and the oily spirit.”

The Bidenites should turn to a familiar symbol of multiplicity and oneness: The Holy Trinity. It consists of three separate parts, yet completely inseparable. The father of course represents the central federal authority, while the sons represent Sunni, Shia, and Kurdish provinces. Finally, the Oily Spirit signifies the lifeblood of the entire compromise.

All that glisters is not gold. Sometimes the best sheen comes from a lusty lather of petroleum.