Bosworth: An Online Humor Magazine Brimming with Unearned Self-Importance

  
Vol. 2 No. 4
April 2008 
  Iowa City, IA
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Bram Stoker: "This Recession Looks Scary - And Not in an Appealing, Homoerotic Way"


In the past few weeks, every time I go to the mall to buy myself a healthy dose of happiness, I'm assaulted by an unfamiliar feeling. Call it fear, anxiety, trepidation, whatever. Heck, call it gonnhorrea, God knows it could well be. But more likely than not, it's a sense I get that our economy is about to tank like a no. 2 seeded NCAA basketball team.

Is it a recession?

Who cares? The point is: I can't shop without feeling bad!

To achieve the American dream you must do three things:

1. Get a job where you have ample free time to put "a boot in the ass" of all your enemies
2. Earn enough money to eat yourself into a state of obesity, so everyone knows you are rich
3. Buy a house (preferably something that's not haunted)
About Bram Stoker

-- Born in 1847 in Ireland

-- Author of Dracula

-- Blood sucking Dracula = first ever non-alcoholic Irish icon ever

-- When asked about the book’s homoerotic subtext, Stoker replied: “That’s ridiculous! My book is as straight as Oscar Wilde!”

-- The hilarious yet overused joke “Hey Dracula: you suck!” has appeared in countless film reviews.

-- The Bram Stoker Award is given annually for “superior achievement” in horror: The 2008 winner was Dick Cheney, although he did not  enter.

-- Although long deceased, Stoker today runs a successful real estate company in Hoboken, NJ.

Bram Stoker

Long DeceasedPeople may spend their entire lives working on numbers one and two, but number three is supposed to be the easy part. Call me a patriot if you want, but I thought America was the one place on earth where a citizen could walk into a bank with no job, no money, no friends, and a small to moderate cocaine addiction ... and still walk out with a variable rate mortgage. Today's lending crisis threatens this basic national principle.

Folks define patriotism in various ways. To some it’s all about shopping. For others, you have to express approval of the government and shop a lot. For a third group, you need shopping and love, and you'll have to buy a gun. But the one thing everyone agrees on is that, if you don’t go shopping a lot, you’re a traitor to this great land.

Now some may correctly notice that I hail from Ireland. What do I care about American patriotism? Like many Irishmen, I immigrated to the United States in search of opportunity. Some said I waited too long to make the move; after all, I was already dead at the time. I retort, however, that I did not published the best-selling book Dracula until after I died. It's never too late to make a difference, even if you're dead.

The point is, I’m as American as long dead apple pie.

So the solution is simple, the government needs to do stuff. Most days, I’m a staunch republican, but when the state is considering giving me money instead of taking my money away, I become a big fan of government handouts. So, help me, Uncle Same. Take away the fear and restore our thriving shop-topia. It’s the American way.
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