Pacman Ghost: Why Isn't Anyone Afraid of Me?

Bosworth: An Online Humor Magazine Brimming with Unearned Self-Importance

Vol. 2 No. 4

April 2008

Iowa City, IA

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Pacman Ghost:
Why Isn't Anyone Afraid of Me?

The big bad wolf. The boogie man. Godzilla. Hillary Clinton. All of these figures have one thing in common: they inspire terror wherever they go. But here I am a freaking ghost, and I couldn’t frighten a hummingbird.

No literally, I walked up to a hummingbird the other day. It pecked me in the eye and held me down until I said, “I’m your bitch.”

I used to inspire terror. Kids in the arcade would scream, “Look out: the Pacman ghost is about to eat you!” Those were the days.

You should be scared of me. I haven’t filed a tax return in thirty years, I eat 100 times my weight in an average day, and I have constant cannibalistic urges. Sometimes I drive around at night, longing for the test of Pacman flesh. I usually find someone with jaundice, follow him home, and kill him. But the whole thing just seems dull. More often than not, the guy with jaundice just laughs at me. I still kill him, mind you, but it’s no fun if he isn’t afraid first.

I guess I just don’t feel scary anymore.

I’ve spent the better part of my life running around in circles, trying to eat Pacman. At first, everything seemed normal. If you catch Pacman, you get to eat him, and every once in a while, he becomes invincible and chases you. Even if you get killed, you just rematerialize a few seconds later., It was a good life.

But lately, something’s missing. I’m a ghost, sure, but what’s the point of it all? When do I stop chasing Pacman and settle down? Will I ever meet the pixilated ghost of my dreams? These questions haunt me.

Ironic, right?