Fifteen New Academy
Awards for 2008

If you’re anything like me, you spend a lot of time wishing there were more Oscar categories. And if some of the new categories happen to cast Hollywood in the ironic light it may or may not deserve, I can live with it. For example, next year’s Oscars should include the following categories:

• Shortest Lindsay Lohan movie
• Best Zach Braff/Coldplay moment
• Most poetic wang shot
• Best rock flute solo in a film (This category has the added bonus of encouraging more rock flute solos on film)
• Drunkest director
• Best Rolling Stones Song in a Martin Scorsese Movie
• Best Saturday Night Live alumni film starring someone we’ve heard of
• Most ambitious effort to make Tom Cruise look sane
• Best placement of “Yippee-kiyay, Motherf*cker!” in a film
• Lifetime achievement in “doing your way to the top”
• Most outlandish portrayal of an idealistic teacher who saves inner city kids by teaching them about poetry or something
• Best on set food
• Most creative usage of a Star Trek alumnus in a manner that reminds viewers subtly but surely that he/she used to be on Star Trek… and still possibly lives by the tenets of Starfleet and the United Federation of Planets.
• Best rip-off of Alfred Hitchcock’s “Rear Window”
• Most quickly/cheaply produced superhero film