Americans Abroad,
Dos and Don'ts

Do: Go to Europe.
Don’t: Come back from Europe as the same dick you were before you left, talking constantly about how Europe changed you forever.

Do: Make use of Europe’s superior railway system to travel from city to city.
Don’t: Lose your luggage and blame it on all the gypsies.

Do: Order a crepe with Nutella in France.
Don’t: Order a hamburger in France. (What they call a hamburger is a thin, ridiculously greasy meat patty on bread. No wonder they think we’re crazy. Who would eat that?)

Do: Visit the Louvre in Paris, taking time to see “Mona Lisa,” “Winged Victory,” and “Venus De Milo.”
Don’t: Let it bother you that the Louvre smells like the cumulate body soil of a million tourists who only came to see “Mona Lisa,” “Winged Victory,” and “Venus De Milo.”

Do: Go to the beach in southern France.
Don’t: Get sunburned in the shape of a T-shirt then walk around town as if you’re not topless.

Do: Stay at hostels whenever possible, saving money and putting yourself in a position to meet cool people.
Don’t: Be surprised if you enter a Twilight-Zone-like village where no toilets seats seem to exist.

Do: Let a trustworthy looking Norwegian use your laptop to check his e-mail.
Don’t: Confront him if you find several gay porn sites on your search history.

Do: Go for a scenic bike ride on an island near La Rochelle.
Don’t: Miscalculate the number of kilometers between how far you’ve gone and how far you have to go to get home.

Do: Bring an umbrella to Dublin.
Don’t: Expect to last a week without catching a cold.

Do: Enjoy an Irish breakfast.
Don’t: Spill said breakfast on your pet leach. (The salt will kill it.)

Do: Come home exhausted, knowing you filled every day to the fullest.
Don’t: Come home with a new accent.