General George S. Patton
Lays Out Plans for a
U.S. Invasion of Europe

Most reasonable Americans agree it’s about time we had another land war in Europe. Up until now, the complete lack of an enemy there had stood in our way. Now, the time has come to resolve this minor roadblock by declaring open warfare on the entire continent.

I humbly request to lead this invasion. I got my start in battle as a member of General John J. Pershing's staff during an expedition to Mexico to hunt down Pancho Villa. In 1917, I became the first member of the United States Tank Corps, and served there until 1920. During World War II, I commanded the Western Task Force in North Africa, commanded the Seventh Army during the invasion of Sicily in July 1943, and led the Third Army in France. On December 9, 1945 I suffered injuries as the result of an automobile accident. I died 12 days later, on December 21, 1945.

Consider how simple it would be to conquer Europe. We would need only a small number of troops, and if we bring the right commodities, we will most certainly be greeted as liberators. Good coffee for Scotland, non-carbohydrate breakfasts for France, and a few thousand Hum-Vees for Italy would ensure a smooth transition from the European Union to the United States of Europe (a Coca Cola/Halliburton subsidiary).

Some might wonder why the U.S. should invade Europe. I say, why not? There could be thousands of people right now who represent a thereat to our national security. Can you prove otherwise? Of course you can’t.

The cause is just. The path is clear. The military is … let’s say … in need of a European vacation. And my magic eight ball says we have a good chance of winning.

So let’s pack our bags for Europe, topple a few key statues, and declare victory. If we get moving today, we can be entrenched in Germany before anyone even thinks to ask about an exit strategy. Give war a chance.