Europe Does Not Exist

Day after day, I meet people returning from their recent travels to Europe. Tourists, students, and businessmen all boast loudly that Europe is a cultural promise land.

Honeymooners venture across the ocean to validate their love. Hollywood directors live there to avoid arrest in the United States. European countries, they tell us, boast superior art, music, and people. European travelers often go so far as to remark that Europe has changed their life or made their dreams come true.

Something here isn’t right.

While it would be simple to accept at face value that Europe is simply a continent on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean, sufficient evidence can be found to throw this theory into disarray. Think about it. Have you been to Europe? If yes, stop reading here.

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If not, think about all those f-ckers who go to Europe. Isn’t there something just a little bit strange about how they act when they get back? Isn’t their love of this so-called “Europe” just a bit too much like talking to someone who just joined a cult? I’m not saying that everyone who claims to have been to Europe is an enemy agent, and I’m not suggesting they’ve been brainwashed by an alien species. Then again, I’m not ruling out either possibility.

“But Moriarty,” you say. “I’ve been to Europe, and it’s a real place and everything.”

First, you didn’t stop reading. I told you to stop reading.

Second, are you sure you went to Europe? That kind of trip can be easily simulated. The U.S., I’ve been told, has the technology to implant a complete, lucid memory in the cerebral matter of a human being. I’m not saying that the government is actively using this technology on millions of Americans every year, but I’m not dismissing the possibility.

I suggest the following, if you think you or a loved one may have gone to Europe, consider a full body scan at your local hospital. If you’ve never been to Europe, watch out for everyone who has. They could be planning something.