Ladies
and gentlemen, I am known by many names. King
George III. Mad King George. Farmer George. The British tyrant who
inspired the
American Revolution. But today, you can call me American democracy’s
biggest
fan.
I
like my democracy the way I like my sex … with as much
passivity from its other participants as humanly possible. That’s why
I’m here
today to support the way the United States is conducting itself. The
business
of any nation is to make the people think they have options while
simultaneously depriving them of any leadership role, and you do good
business.
Those
critical of the United States would say that it has
ceased to be a democracy (if it ever was one to begin with). They would
explain
that a system designed to deprive populace of its leadership role while
simultaneously ensuring the power of a select few is not a democracy at
all, but
an oligarchy, a corrupt system where a greedy minority rules in the
name of its
citizens.
Those
critical of American democracy would say it’s all
sham, a ruse, a hoodwink. But I would never say these things … because
I like
the way you do business.
I
look at Iraq and see a private army fighting in the name
of a foreign nation, in much the same manner that my Hessian
mercenaries fought
for the British against the American colonies in your so-called
revolution. The
upstart colony has become the colonizer. You make your papa so proud!
I
look at big oil, big tobacco, big insurance, and big
government, and I think, “Wow, that’s a lot of big stuff!” I used to
think the
British Empire was big, but you’ve taught me humility. I bow to your
sense of
global hegemony.
And
check this brand new American justice system.
Warrant-less wiretapping, suspension of habeas corpus, secret torture
camps,
and library watch lists. You’re on the right track, by gum. You’re
putting
eighteenth-century British tyranny to shame, and you’re doing it all
with a
smile and a nod.
I
stand in awe, America. You’ve created the most insidious
kind of tyranny I’ve ever seen, and you did it all in the name of
democracy.
