[Bosworth: An Online Humor Magazine Brimming with Unearned Self-Importance]

Bosworth: An Online Humor Magazine Brimming with Unearned Self-Importance

 Special Issue:
 Old
 Testament
 Logic
Vol. 2 No. 2
February 1 - February 29, 2008
 Iowa City, IA
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Old Testament Headlines

New Oliver Stone
Film “The Four Commandments” Loosely Based on Biblical Tale

Boastful Teen Noah Michaels Declares: “I Have Two of Every Animal …
in My Pants”

Hillary Promises a Fornication-Free White House, "Unlike Some Clinton Administrations"

Kelly Clarkson Fans Stoned to Death for “Idol Worship”

Conservative Candidates Say Gay  Marriage Leads to Animalism, Bible Belt Worries Animalism Will Lead to Gay Marriage

Stink Tank
By Angela McDermott

--What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws? … Outlaws are wanted!

--Position available for a full time cook in an eating disorders clinic… brilliant!

--I have a solution to the never-ending search for Osama Bin Laden… check the LDS church records… they can find anyone anywhere, member or not!

--Onstar Gaydar… for those of us out of the closet and own a Subaru!

--Depends undergarments are great for road trips.

--Brad Renfro, Health Ledger and now Christian Brando… what is this world coming too?

--What the f-ck is that guy on 1000 North saying… you folks in Logan, Utah know what I am talking about!

--So Mr. Recruiter, Ms. Lesbian can to serve her country during wartime, but not during peacetime… that sounds fair where do I sign!

--How can I look it up if I have no idea how to spell it?

pickler

Experts Say 
Advice Better When Delivered by
Attractive People


The Old Testament Proverbs are full of wisdom like "ill gotten gains do not profit" and "he who walks with integrity walks securely." Boring! Bosworth says, it's high time we had some wisdom with a little sex appeal!

Don't Choose Your Battles

Hasta La Bible


After much thoughtful debate with everyone who matters (i.e. me), I am convinced the time has come to ban the Bible. No, I'm not a Muslim. Nor am I trying to be radical or intolerant. Quite the opposite. Against my better judgment, I have been forsed to conclude that the Bible is a  pornographic, violent, mean-spirited quagmire of illogical, irreverent, and outdated ideas which contribute to all kinds of mayhem and criminal thinking.  Reading the Bible is dumbing people down beyond acceptable levels of stupidity and nonsensical modes of thinking. 

Six-Step Guides for the Extremely Hip
By Mixtape Master Pete
A friend of mine, whom I’ll call Shmish Shmape Shmaster Shmete, recently read some of his poetry for the first time at the open mic night at the local coffee shop.  Although he--or she, you don’t know--was generally well accepted (even got a snapping ovation from the owner) there was one baggett eater who sat silent and blew the hair out of his eyes with a little too much disdain. ...

The Ten Commandments of Decision '08


Every presidential race has rules. Remember the donors and keep them holy. Never piss off the donors. And listen extra hard to the donors, because they give you money. This year's election has been no exception. In today's divisive political environment, the Ten Commandments of Decision '08 are an absolute must.

Excursions

Good Idea: Someone should found a new institution called “The Museum of Obsolete Feces,” whose sole mission is to collect and display the excrement of  extinct animals. I think we could all learn a little something about the precariousness of life by viewing the fossilized poop of our predecessors.

Better Idea: The museum’s motto could be “Poo Today, Gone Tomorrow.”

Side Note: If this museum idea doesn't catch on ... man, have I wasted a lot of money on ebay.

Random Thought: A fun game to play is if you try to see which song would sound the worst if you changed all the lyrics of the song to the title of the song, then just repeated the title and jammed it in with the melody. Like for “Start Me Up,” by the Rolling Stones, the lyrics would be “Start Me Up, Start-Me-Start-Me­-Start-Me, Start Me Up.” Incidentally, if you play this game with anything by ACDC, the game will actually turn it into a better song.

Randomer Thought: Have you ever been in a public restroom peeing, and suddenly you’re like “Woah! If I’m asleep right now, I totally just wet the bed!” If so, here’s a good litmus test to see if you’re awake. Just ask yourself if you’re happy with the your current government and, if the answer is “no,” you’re probably awake. If the answer is “yes” … sorry, man, you’re dreaming.

Big Messiah's House

Jesus Returns, Launches Over-Hyped
Film Career 


For some eople, anticipating the release of an upcoming film is worse than waiting for the second coming of Christ. Now, you can do both at the same.

Jesus is back, and he's ready for lights, camera, action. For those of you stuck in the Old Testament, watch out. He is born again, and this time, it's personal.

Dagonet

5 Things to do During the Writers Strike That Don't Involve Killing Yourself/Others 

dagonet
No new TV shows? This is just like that movie "I am Legend," when everyone on the planet dies, so Will Smith has no choice but to watch "Shrek" over and over again. It's a mad house! A mad house!

Yep, it's exactly like that movie... except in the case of the writers strike, despite how it may feel, it's actually not the end of the world. Here are five non-death-inducing ways to piddle your way through the strike. (That's all I could think of.)
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Bosworth Magazine's
Wall of Rejected Slogans:

1. Bosworth: It’s Like the “Prairie Home Companion” … for Perverts!

2. Bosworth Magazine: Where Humans and Cartoons Write Side by Side, Forming Twisted Human/Cartoon Hybrids. (We Call Them Mantoons.)

3. Bosworth Magazine: Forcing Monkeys to Reproduce the Works of Shakespeare on Typewriters Since Summer 2007.

4. Bosworth: Humorous Thoughts for the Seriously Deranged.

5. Bosworth: An Online Humor Magazine with Dozens of Places to Hide Your Weed.

6. Bosworth Magazine: We Probably Shouldn’t Have Hired the DC Madame as Our Proofreader.

7. Bosworth Magazine: Sexaholics Welcome.

8. Bosworth: A Humor Zine of Epic Proportions. Can We Call it a Zine? The Word Zine Sounds Cool.

9. Bosworth Magazine: Dedicated to Eroding the Storied Bosworth Family Reputation, One Zach Braff/ Coldplay Joke at a Time.

10. Bosworth: Proving to the World that Oversized “Muppet Show” Posters Do Belong in the Workplace.

11. Bosworth Magazine: It’s Possible, Although Unlikely, That Our Entire Staff Has Rabies

12. Bosworth: We’re Not Some Pretentious Humor Magazine Determined to Illustrate Our Sense of Intellectual Superiority by Constantly Referring to Highbrow Literature without Explaining Ourselves, Expecting the Reader to Notice. (riverrun, past Eve and Adam's, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to Howth Castle and Environs.)

13. Bosworth Magazine: Dudesticking Our Way to Internet Hilarity.

14. Bosworth: An Online Humor Magazine that Routinely Catches its Staff Members in Compromising Positions in the Boiler Room.

15. Bosworth Magazine: Because the name “Thunder Cats” Was Taken.

16.  Bosworth: The Nation’s Leading Sexual and Reproductive Health Care Advocate and Provider.

17. Bosworth: A Timeless Classic Since Five Minutes Ago.

18. Bosworth Magazine: Brain Soup for the Zombie's Soul.