Attention, Secular Progressives:
Next Year's War on Christmas is
Just Eleven Months Away

(Note: If you are a practicing Christian and/or a strong supporter of this nation’s traditional cultural values, please do not read this article.)

Attention all atheists, pornographers, fornicators, feminists, and college professors: our war on Christmas this year was a staggering success, but we must begin work immediately to ensure that next year’s holiday season is even more politically correct and non-Christian than this year’s.

Although Bill O’Reilly and his allies have put up some resistance to our massive conspiracy, we remain dedicated to the removal “Christmas” and the warm feelings it inspires. Death to Rudolph. Adieu, Frosty the Snowman. Farewell, Santa. And see you all in hell.

Funding from Jewish Hollywood producers and Al Qaida Islamo-fascists has allowed us to establish a complex network of operations bases masquerading as tattoo shops, abortion clinics, and alternative pre-schools. This is a good start, but we continue to have difficulty convincing our technologically capable allies to create a secular-progressive intranet/MSN group. We need a way to communicate quickly and effectively; our current system of Lesbian biker chick messengers simply isn’t efficient enough.

Remember, sometime this year we need to agree on a new name for Christmas. By forcing people to wish each other “happy holidays,” we’ve struck a powerful blow against cheer and good will, but we need to lobby more aggressively to change the name of Christmas to something else all together. So do we want to push for “National Herpes Day” or “Ramadan 2.0”? We have to decide.

In addition to our internal efforts, we must continue our work of flooding the market with terribly made Christmas films. Movies like “The Santa Clause,” “Elf,” “Bad Santa,” and “This Christmas” do more to destroy the Christmas spirit than all the political work we do put together.

Most importantly, we must continue to keep the “Christ” out of Christmas. Our efforts will surely fail if the Christian community of the United States somehow realizes that they celebrate the ostensible birthday of the most radically anti-consumerist figure in all religious lore by participating in the commercialized holiday culture in the history of mankind. So far, we have succeeded in making a face on a green piece of paper the most important symbol of the holiday season. If we work just a little harder for the next eleven months, we may be able expunge the entire holiday by winter 2008.

Happy holidays!