Let's Put the "Glory" in Vainglorious:

Current U.S. Egotism Levels Acceptable, but It's Time We Put Some Real Effort into This Thing We Call Narcissism

By Matt Lavin

You're sitting at home right now, loving yourself, loving your country, loving the commercialistic utopia that surrounds you. You love your car, your clothes, your multigig I-pod, and your brand spanking new 20-speed Cuisinart food processors. Hell, you're about to have an orgasm over your new flat screen TV. Life is good. The only question is, how can you get even more people to take some time off from their stupid lives and pay more attention to you? I propose a few simple modifications to produce the ultimate  vortex of Narcissistic bliss.

Blogs for everyone: Currently in the U.S. blog writers outnumber blog readers 3,000 to one. However, with just a bit more effort, we could have 300 million blog writers, and possibly just one blog reader. (His name is Sid. He lives in Queens.)

Free Ayn Rand books for everyone: Amazon.com? $0. Barnes and Noble? $0. Let's get distributing.

Zero human interaction in commerce: Yesterday I went to the movies and bought my ticket from an automated computer interface. If we apply this technology exhaustively in the commercial sector, we will never again have to interact with other people in order to buy our happiness. Unattended computers already handle transactions at banks, groceries stores, and a small number of fast food restaurants, but imagine a world where you never had to talk to anyone to buy things!

Selfish Camp: I recently watched the film "Jesus Camp," and was horrified ... by the fact that these people are wasting valuable indoctrination energy on teaching children to love Jesus. Selfish Camp would breed entitlement, vanity, and neediness, everything a growing boy needs to succeed in our brave new world.

And a Few Bonus Suggestions ...

Two words: mandatory masturbation.

Change name of I-phone, I-pod, I-book etc. to Me-phone, Me-pod, Me-book.

Produce a new version of the Smurfs where everyone but Vanity Smurf has become a vampire, and he fights them to the death.

Elect president, senators, and congressmen who value American life over lives of foreigners.

Merge DNA of Mitt Romney and John Edwards to produce the shiniest politician ever.