Dear Virginia,

My friends Abe and Fran fight a lot, and sometimes they have a way of sucking me right in the middle of their battles. How can I explain to my friends that I love them but I don’t want to play referee to their daily face-off?

Sincerely,

Stuck in the Middle of Jews

Dear Stuck,

Sun Tzu, in “The Art of War,” gives the following advice: “There are three ways in which a ruler can bring misfortune upon his army: (1) By commanding the army to advance or to retreat, being ignorant of the fact that it cannot obey; This is called hobbling the army. (2) By attempting to govern an army in the same way as he administers a kingdom, being ignorant of the conditions which obtain in an army; This causes restlessness in the soldier's minds. (3) By employing the officers of his army without discrimination, through ignorance of the military principle of adaptation to circumstances. This shakes the confidence of the soldiers.” I think this advice speaks for itself.

Dear Virginia,

I am troubled daily by my distrust of foreigners, my dislike of dark skinned people, and my disgust toward homosexuals. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Beset on All Sides

Dear Beset,

No problem at all, just move to Utah. (You could even be a senator there.)