New College Drinking
Game Should Combine
Beer and Internet Porn
College stupidity. Remember it? If not, one of the
stupid things you did may have involved a head injury. While attending
college, you probably spent hours “sledding” down
the stairs in a laundry basket, urinating publicly, or filling your
pants with hot stew in an effort to get your money’s worth
from the dining hall. Perhaps you even emptied your dorm room of its
university furniture to make room for an oversized bar, then attached a
funnel with a long tube to the window for schwill-dumping …
About a month ago, I was reminded of the anti-brain vibe
of university life when my buddies busted out a beer pong set at my
friend Ed’s bachelor party. The game, in case you
haven’t played it in while, involves throwing a ping-pong
ball into a cup of beer to force your opponent to drink it. The
ping-pong ball touches basically every surface in the room before it
ultimately ends up in the liquid that will ultimately end up in you.
This drinking game is fun, and a boon to virologists
everywhere, but what college campuses really need is a game that
combines their love of cheap beer with the Internet’s number
1 hobby: looking at boobs. As a result, I suggest we invent a new
drinking game that retires, not a moment too soon, the dirty ping-pong
ball … and puts in its place a new kind of dirty.
The rules for Beerotica could be as simple as
you’d like. A few beefy fratsters could sit around a PC,
browsing around for some pornographic matter. Each gent would have a
beer and an assigned series of attributes. Johhny Ringwald would drink,
for example, each time a brunette came on screen. Biff Oglethorp would
take redheads and the cat o’ nine tails. Everyone would have
to drink when the group came across two women kissing. (We call this a
Sapphic social.)
The benefits of combining socially constructed beer
drinking with Internet pornography should not be underestimated. The
new game will quickly replace beer pong as a staple, saving many people
from discomfort and disease. The game will also return porn watching to
its rightful status as a social event.
Some might wonder whether Beerotica excludes women. Not
so at all. Under the banner of Beerotica all genders can come together
and celebrate their shared love of naked women. And for those of you
who find the idea morally repugnant, the true nature of the game is
… let’s say … art.
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