The Day the Earth Stood Ill:
Thoughts on Global Warming

By Matt Lavin

A lot of people think environmentalism is a dirty word. When I hear this opinion articulated, though, I have a hard time with it. All I can think is, "What was the actual dirty word they were confusing it with?" My guess is fellatio.

If the polar ice caps melt, it is conceivable that we will have to live in some kind of nightmarish future, like in the movie "Waterworld." This thought should alarm many, since "Waterworld" is such a bad movie. On the flip side, it did make drinking your own urine cool again.

I recently found out that you can help fight global warming by putting a brick in the upper tank of your toilet. A handy tip indeed, but it also brings up the obvious question of what else you can put a brick into to make it better. The fridge? Your suitcase? Probably not the microwave.

I thought about buying a hybrid car, but a little voice in the back of my head said it was a bad idea. After all, it's a slippery slope between mixing gas/electric power and allowing all forms of hybridization all the time. You may think I'm crazy now, but when the government starts breeding an army of cyborg centaurs, I'll be the guy saying I told you so.

Now that I've pondered further the people who think "environmentalism" is a dirty word, I'm kind of glad I don't know what dirty word they're thinking of. Some questions are just too big to be answered; some mysteries are too beautiful to solve.