Jacques Cousteau: Impending
Global Warming Apocalypse
Will Give Us More
Ocean to Explore

La mer. Covering approximately two-thirds the surface of the earth, the oceans of the world are the ultimate symbol of the great unknown. Who could forget the deep, wide, and mysterious oceans? The Atlantic, the Pacific, and all the other ones issue a silent invitation to fishing boat captains, oceanographers, and men with mermaid fetishes.

I may well be the most famous ocean enthusiast in history. I authored dozens of books and starred in many films on the subject, garnering three Oscars along the way. I had a television series called The Undersea World of Jacques Cousteau and was responsible for several innovations in underwater technology.
Recently, however, I"ve started to lose my zest for the oceans of the world. Ennui is a common symptom of death, but it"s more than just rigor mortis that leaves me unaffected by the seven seas. Much of the ocean has been explored, and the rest of it is really hard to get to. Plus, it"s impossible these days to go far without bumping into an offshore oil rig.

The impending global warming crisis promises to change everything. Melting ice caps promise to flood coasts on every continent, providing new underwater cities to explore, and buried treasure to claim. I don't know about anyone else, but I plan to go after the Washington mint once it's been submerged.

More water also means a new climate for everybody. With the Atlantic Ocean"s Gulf Stream disrupted, for example, warm waters from the South won"t reach points north, causing an ocean-wide ecosystem catastrophe, the implications of which are to this day unknown. Some have argued this change will be disastrous, but I think of it like wiping off a chalk board. We"ll have to do all new science on all new oceans.

Skeptics question whether humanity would survive in its current form, or at all, if global warming continues, but I'm not worried. After all, once melting destroys global climate patterns and brings about a new ice age, the only place left for humans to live will be in underwater communities. They're going to need explorers and scientists like me to make it work, so I'll be sitting pretty. Everyone else is pretty much screwed but, like most people, I"ve learned to put short sighted self-interest far ahead of any concerns for humanity. Au revoir, et bon chance!