Selling Torture: Tough
Interrogation Techniques
Need "Theme Menu"

Anyone can sit around talking about whether the United States government should engage in "tough interrogation" techniques and/or torture in its effort to prosecute the War on Terror. It takes a much bigger person, however, to put that issue aside and debate what we should call the various torture techniques for advertising purposes. A good "menu" of torture options has to have a unifying theme and a wide offering of snazzy names. For example, the torture techniques outlined here are all grouped under the theme: "Doubletalk Political Slogans of Yesterday."

1. "Winning hearts and minds." This slogan has been used in the past (it goes back as far as Vietnam) to describe the strategy of convincing people that soldiers from the United States are "the good guys." The more civilians in Iraq believe this premise, the more likely they are to reject violence. Simple enough, right? As a torture technique, the phrase should be taken a little more literally. Stab him repeatedly in the chest with a small knife, coming closer to his heart each time as you ask more questions. Then, upon finding out he has nothing to do with Al Qaida, simply lobotomize him to remove the negative experience from his consciousness.

2. "The troop surge." This slogan came up in spring 2007, describing as a way to "do the same thing we've been doing for the past three years, only more aggressively." President Bush defending the plan this May by explaining that reductions in violence by September would show the surge had worked. Increases in violence by September, he added, would also prove the surge had worked. The torture technique based on this slogan involves a simple "surge" of electricity, aimed at the detainee.

3. "Mission accomplished." Who could forget President Bush's pronouncement on May 1 aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln that major combat operations in Iraq were over? Fittingly, this torture technique is based on deception. After making sure the detainee has amnesia, you convince him that peace has been established between Al Qaida and the U.S. Then you set him up with an apartment, a wife, the whole nine yards. After that, just wait for him to explain his plans to someone.

4. "Cut and run." Used as a slogan during the off year election in 2006, this slogan was a way of saying that anyone who disagreed with the president on Iraq strategy was a coward. Setting a date for withdrawal, he said, would simply encourage terrorists to "wait us out." As a torture technique, cut and run is easy. All you need is a package of razor blades and a treadmill. You figure out the rest.