Dear Virginia,

I am a small business owner who works out of her home so that I can care for my two-year-old daughter. The only thing is that my chosen profession is slightly dangerous to her health. As a self-employed methamphetamine cooker, I have the hardest time sheltering my child from the toxic fumes that emanate from my giant pot of illicit drugs. Can you recommend a gas mask that will fit my small child's face and protect her from these deadly chemicals?

Sincerely,
Methed Up

Dear Methed Up,

Home depot stocks the masks you're looking for. You'll be able to tell which one you need by looking for the yellow and purple markings on the front filters. However, you might need to special order a junior version.

Virginia

Dear Virginia,

Because I live in an abandoned RV on an seldom inspected parking lot, I have had the hardest time getting to town to do my laundry. I've been wearing the same pair of pants for the last forty days, and I'm beginning to wreak. Any advice you can offer on how to keep my jiblets chipper would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,
Bongo

Dear Bongo,

Try squirting a dash of lemon on your trousers each morning before you go to work ... or wherever it is that you go ...

Virginia

Dear Virginia,

I'm trapped in a geopolitical pissing contest in a country in the Middle East. I got my entire country involved in a war of choice, then failed miserably to understand the dynamic of sectarian conflict. I'm feeling trapped and alone, but I'm afraid to admit it because it will make me look bad. Please help,

Sincerely,
George B.

Dear George,

Your guess is as good as mine.

Virginia