... On Candy Color/Flavor Coordination

Call me irate. Incensed. Irritated. Fuming. Enraged. Furious. Aggravated. Provoked. Call me bitter. Call me fired up.

Every so often, when life deals me we troubles I can hardly stand, I find that I must escape the subtle demonisms of life and thought through the delicious flavors of a saliva-soluble hard candy. Lifesavers, Jolly Ranchers, even Certs become my only refuge from a cruel, worrisome existence. A few weeks ago, however, my occasional indulgence left me much disappointment. I popped a green lifesaver into my mouth, expecting to taste lime or possibly sour apple. No such luck. What confronted my taste buds was something closer to a bastard conglomerate of apple, watermelon, and pure hatred.

I spat out the wretched confection and oathed vengeance. “Damn you, inappropriately flavored hard candy,” I swore. “Damn you to hell.”

And now, for no good reason, I feel I must explain in dry detail the history of hard candy. According to John F. Mariani in the Encyclopedia of American Food and Drink candy is as old as civilization. Ancient Egyptians preserved nuts and fruits with honey, while doctors from various cultures used sugar to mask the taste of unappealing medicines. By the mid-19th century, hard candies made from lemon or peppermint were popular in the United States. Milk chocolate, discovered in Switzerland in 1875, led to the candy bar phenomenon of the late nineteenth century.

There is a wisdom that is woe; but there is a woe that is madness. Such is my hatred of inappropriate color/flavor coordination. Yellow candies should be lemon flavored, Red candies should be cherry, and green should be lime. (Guess what color orange should be.) This creative flavoring scheme must stop. Flavors like “arctic chill” and “mountain blast” have no place in the civilized world.

And now, once again for no good reason, I must disrupt the flow of this manifesto to explain, in as dreary a tone as possible, how artificial flavors are made. Many flavors, especially fruit flavors, are based upon one or a few dominant chemical components that are responsible for producing a unique taste and smell. An ester called Octyl Acetate is an essential component in orange flavor, while an ester called Isoamyl Acetate characterizes banana flavor. Careful combinations of various smell/taste chemicals are mixed into candies like Lifesavers and Jolly Ranchers to produce artificial flavoring.

As with many sciences, artificial flavoring must be used responsibly. Instead of creating bizarre color/flavor combinations, the scientists who wield this mighty technology should produce candy that meets expectations rather than defying them. As with nuclear energy, human cloning, or time travel, the ability to create must be tempered by good judgment. If experts do not heed this warning, however, may God have mercy on their souls.

Oh, hateful flavors. I will never give up my quest to destroy you. To the last I will grapple with thee. From hell’s heart I stab at thee. For hate’s sake I will spit my last breath at thee.