Congratulations, Class of 2007

By Matt Lavin

This spring, students across the country did the exact same thing student do every year, but for whatever reason, they think it’s a big deal. It’s one of those landmark experiences, I suppose, like homecoming or not having sex after the prom. For anyone leaving high school, now is that moment of truth that separates college-bound grads from people entering the work force. This is a significant dividing line; after all, people who don’t go to college may never know the joy of peeing in a sink. For college graduates, now is the time to think about entering the work force (September is the time to actually enter it, though. Don’t make the same mistakes I did.) Transitioning from college to a job can be difficult, but the main thing to remember is “let your soul die.” Other than that, I have little to offer. But since every commencement speech needs a plethora of silly platitudes, here are a few from me.

· As much as humanly possible, randomly quote movies that you know no one around you has seen. “Rommel! You magnificent bastard! I read your book!”

· Sing like no one’s listening, and dance like no one’s watching, but don’t cook like no one’s eating.

· As tempting as it may be, do not speak in iambic pentameter.

· Reach for the stars. Wear gloves.

· Live every day like your last. Especially tomorrow, because it actually is.

· When in doubt, indulge your love of puns.

· Children are surprising docile if you tell them they’re adopted.

· Whenever someone asks you a question, and you don’t know the answer (or you intend to lie) look straight into the eye of the person you’re addressing and say, “Well, it’s an established fact that …” Whatever you say after that, no matter how crazy, will sound valid. (I learned this from Vice President Dick Cheney.)

· Don’t cry because it’s over. Laugh because it’s over. Then point at people who are still in school (like me) and laugh at them.

Many schools refer to graduation as “commencement,” signifying the degree to which the event is not just the end of something but also the beginning of a new phase of life. But really, let’s face it, it’s mostly the end of something. The people who graduate go their separate ways, do different things, and experience their own truths. The one thing they have in common is that they’re all leaving. … And they just got food poisoning from the undercooked chicken I serve them. Sorry about that, class of 2007. May your reach always exceed your grasp.