Ailing Idol: Pinnacle of Mediocre Music and Soul-Killing Reality TV Slips in the Ratings

American Idol’s sixth season wrapped up this May, and the winner is … the annoying one with the mediocre voice and the stupid outfits.

For year’s, Idol has mercilessly ripped the hearts out of its evening competitors, tallying millions of viewers week after week. This year, however, the national favorite slipped some. Its finale, which boasted 38 million viewers last year, claimed only 30 million this spring. TV gossipmongers have latched onto these statistics as a sign that the once unstoppable contest to find the nation’s most annoying singer might be past its prime.

Rumors of nude photos by contestant Antonella Barba and controversy over the “vote for the worst” campaign that kept Sanjaya Malakar in the competition much longer than he deserved contributed to this year’s general sense of Idol Fatigue.

So, has American Idol jumped the proverbial shark? No, but it should, and soon. If the show doesn’t burn out, it threatens to fade away. And nothing’s worse than slowing withering away and dying. (Just ask the producers of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.”) If American Idol wants to hit one out of the park, it has to swing for the fences. Any and all of these ideas could make Idol more popular next year:

• Replace Paula and Randy with Don Imus and Michael Richards. Enforce a mandatory PCP dose before every episode. Accept only African American contestants.


• Every contestant who loses must die. Simple. Effective. Entertaining.


• Methods of execution should relate ironically to song selections from the previous week. If a contestant got voted off after singing “La Bamba,” execute that contestant with a deliberate plane crash. If a contestant sings “Cold as Ice,” drop him/her out of a truck on the tundra.


• Require singers to “not suck.”


• Make sure obviously fake contestants with “thrilling” back-stories can actually sing.


• Three words. STYX tribute night.


• Get annoying president off Idol broadcasts.


• Require all male participants and judges to grow mustaches. Ryan Seacrest could sport an Alex Trebek style pervestache, and Simon Cowell would have to grow a Fu Manchu.


• Allow Kermit the Frog and/or Yoda to guest judge. “Eliminate you the audience will.” … “Cancel this show the network must.”