As Bad as it Gets:
Pickup Lines that Never Work

Pickup lines aren’t easy. If you’re too direct, you might inspire the object of your affection to pull out a can of mace, or to run off looking for a “constable on patrol.” If you’re too vague, however, you risk spending the next twenty years developing a friendship with someone whose bones you would have much rather preferred to jump. Making pies, watching Antique Road Show, and trying on summer-wear has its place in any good relationship, but getting caught in the friend zone when you wanted more can be frustrating. Therefore, before committing to a come-on line, browse this list of a few one-liners to avoid at all costs.

1. Someone should start singing a funeral dirge, because I want to put my coffin in your gravesite.
2. If this were Moby Dick, you’d be the great white whale I’m after.
3. Ever “do stuff” with Monty Python playing in the background?
4. You’re the Sigfried to my Roy. Want to meet the tiger?
5. You Rufie my heart.
6. Sorry I didn’t call until now. I had a near miss with that whole Anna Nicole Smith paternity thing.
7. You must be a cartographer, because you have a map to my heart. Also, I have some serious longitude happening at these coordinates.
8. You’re the steaming corn beef and cabbage at the end of a long, drunken St. Patrick’s Day.
9. Looking into your eyes is like overdosing on heroin. And I would know, too, because I do a lot of heroin. A lot.
10. You’re the first human I have ever loved.
11. Being with you reminds me of the time I burned down my house for the insurance money. What I’m trying to say is, you light up my life.