Fun with Time Travel

Bosworth: An Online Humor Magazine Brimming with Unearned Self-Importance

Vol. 2 No. 6

June 2008

Iowa City, IA

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Dear Committee for Time Travel Vehicle Requisitioning:

Why is it that whenever someone travels to the past using a time travel vehicle of some kind, the same three things happen? Either someone goes back in time to prevent a world leader from being killed, goes back in time to make a wheelbarrow full of money, or gets trapped in the 1950s and goes to the high school dance with his mom. Isn’t it about time someone had a little fun with the fourth dimension? I propose, modestly and humbly, that the Committee for Time Travel Vehicle Requisitioning (CTTVR) entertain the following proposal for a new time travel concept.

PROPOSAL 1: Full usage of time machine to execute a series of ridiculously elaborate “John McCain is old” themed jokes

Here’s the concept. Load up the time machine with fuel, kidnap Arizona Senator John McCain, and take him to remote corners of the ancient past, to highlight photographically just how old McCain truly is. Think about it: What could be funnier than a photograph of John McCain living it up in the Roman Coliseum? Or how about a high def snapshot of John McCain building the pyramids? Nothing says “John McCain is really old” like an overly elaborate photograph of the senator hanging loose in the ancient world.

Materials Requested

1 time Machine
1 ultra cool time travel space suit
1 full complement of archeological equipment, including back loader, digging tools, and tiny fossil brushes
1 high resolution digital camera outfitted with time travel resistant memory cards
2 peanut butter and banana sandwiches

Anticipated Questions

Why not just doctor a series of elaborate photos depicting John McCain in ancient times?
    Simple. Any comedian worth his salt knows that doctored photos are not funny. Do you think Conan O’Brien got where he is today with silly jokes, ridiculously fake celebrity impersonations, and doctored artwork. No chance. My commitment to excellence and authenticity rules out this option completely.

If you take the pictures back through time with you, won’t carbon dating technology prove the pictures are not thousands of years old?
    Excellent question. Yes, carbon dating will prove the pictures are not contemporaneous to the ancient world, which is why it’s imperative that we take the photos in ancient times, bury them in a secret hiding place, and excavate them thousands of years later, when we return from the past. Hence the full complement of archeological equipment listed under “materials requested.”

Won’t a savvy historian point out that, in ancient times, photographic technology didn’t exist yet?
    Yes. Which is why we will have to do some minor tampering with the space time continuum to ensure the camera is invented in 3,000 BC by … let’s say … Babylonian scientists. Then the camera will have existed in ancient Egypt and Rome.

Isn’t tampering with the space time continuum wrong?
    Small price to pay for a great joke. Get it? John McCain is old.

Conclusions

As is obvious, this time travel plan is the coolest. If you’re worried about the logistics, don’t be. Just remember the hilarity we’ll create is worth a thousand peanut butter and banana sandwiches.