As Plain as the Nose on Your Face

As I was looking intensely in the mirror to take a speck of dust out of my eye I was stunned to realize what a big, hairy nose I have. Then, on closer examination, it turned out I was actually looking at my elbow. Whew, I was quite relieved. But it got me to thinking. Our image, how others see us, who we want to be, and who we are perceived to be, is quite a composite of conflicting values. You really have no idea what others see or what they think about us and the way we really look.

 That kind of insecurity has spawned an industry of corrective surgery to fix all our problems. I’m really sick of hearing about how cosmetic surgery can make you a better looking person: all you need are bigger breasts, tummy tucks, liposuctioning fat for those gargantuan thighs, or nose jobs, gluteus reduction, and face lifts for aging divas. The public is being deceived and hustled into all kinds of phony fixes which only make our image worse…Repainting the jalopy doesn’t make it a limousine. I’m taking my stand against the enormous waste of medical resources, doctor expertise, and money!

 If “seeing is believing” then it’s understandable why so many of us are fooled by used car salesmen. If it quacks like a duck and waddles like a duck you can be sure it isn’t a used car. On the other hand, the sublimating influence of movie stars and media images cannot be ignored or minimized…we all want to look better, feel better, and have erectile function on demand.

One time I was buying a cup of coffee at a well-known café. A “man” was taking my order. He had on the identifiable uniform of a regular employee, but he was wearing a dress, and I could not fail to notice that he was really quite busty, with well-defined female accoutrements. Wow! I couldn’t help myself…what big… vavooms…And he knew it was making an impression on me too! I suppose I could have gotten upset or been embarrassed, but I was able to stay cool and order my espresso just as if nothing was unusual or particularly different… but my mind was in a state of complete rejection, repulsion, and cross-circuited emotions. Of course, big, chesty women are a turn on…but why do I have to put up with a flirtatious man who has cosmetically and medically rearranged breasts?…I am offended, outraged and disgusted to boot!

Seeing is believing, and believing is for would-be Nazis trying to create a super-race of miscreant (but politically correct) synthetic/cosmetic people (a race of blonde, blue-eyed, fair-skinned sadists).

Freak shows are always popular. We need to embrace reality and accept who we are!

We all slow down on the highway to see what happened to people who were in a car crash…And we all scream “kill’em” when we watch a ROCKY movie that is actually one long bloody fist fight, or when dozens of guys get wasted in a violent action sequence in a Schwarzenegger movie. It’s normal that we would share in the vicarious thrill of seeing someone pummeled to death or being blown away by the most destructive firearms. Let’s admit to ourselves (while we are being honest)…we all crave sensational stimulation and without it, we’d be bored out of our minds.

Some things may be obscene or pornographic, but how do you know until you look? So, why pretend you’re not going to stare when you know you’re going to…It’s all part of being an educated viewer and an informed citizen. And like Voltaire said, if look once you’re just a dedicated scientist. We only become perverts after a few ogles if we keep staring and find ourselves enjoying the gory effects.

The perverse nature of cosmetic surgery has now extended to pets. You can buy a pair of prosthetic testicles for your neutered dog. This has been marketed successfully in Europe for pooches stuck in depression with low canine-esteem because their male hood has been taken from them.

Don’t be fooled into believing that all this preventable surgery and tinkering a harmless exercise in vanity and futile cosmetics. This is not merely a victimless condition of over-zealous alpha types. Next, we will have national health care paying for sex change operations, or enlargement surgery. And ultimately, we can expect sexually dysfunctional people, including agoraphobics, who will want their cyber-hologram fantasy partner to receive cosmetic enhancements as well.

Enough is enough! I do not want to make a fool of myself staring at big-breasted men and fake testicles on dogs…All I want is a strong cup of joe without having to face all these embarrassing urges after a few gulps (and stares) that are forced upon me by the depraved desires of those who are tinkering with Nature…so that I end up looking like the pervert or some kind of horny peeping social malcontent, when really, it’s all because other people aren’t satisfied to be who they are.

A guy can’t even go into a public bathroom at the airport without being arrested for prurient motives. The last thing I want is the “thought” police telling me what I can and cannot see…or how I should stand when I urinate in a public bathroom.

We live in a culture of voyeuristic pleasure…and we are all trained to be “peeping toms.”  The market place is full of mongers who are luring us to pay attention to all kinds of grotesque realities and images of intimate body parts. Their job is to sell us what we secretly desire. I say, “Bring’em on!” I can take it. We all got our education in the back seat of a car and we all know life is messy, fraught with expurgatious fluids, fladulating noises, and bizarre gymnastic fantasies.

The thing is, everybody else can see your nose, but you can’t…which means, all of us live with the insecure truth that we are really ugly but want to believe otherwise. I demand the right to have a big, hairy nose, even if it is obnoxiously ominous. I have what it takes to be who I really am without trying to please everybody else. I’m simply a healthy, typical male with normal, healthy desires (and parts). I don’t need insecure, lily-livered sycophants and Hollywood socialite types telling me that I need a new nose or blue eyes instead of brown ones.

Well, maybe blue eyes would be more attractive, and sexier too…but I will not succumb to the temptation to go shopping for new eyeballs…those transplants should not be provided just cuz you happen to like the way Frank Sinatra sings “I Did It My Way.”

Being happy with who you are may be a hard job, or even impossible…but buying a new nose or new breasts or a different set of teeth doesn’t change a thing on the inside. In fact, all of your guts and intestines and other vital organs are pretty horrible looking…so what do you intend to do about that?  I can see it now, the complete make-over for the future…internal cosmetic enhancements to go with a new nose outside…

Or, you can be a man and take it like a man (or a woman) and just accept who you are and what you look like. Believe me, you’ll be a lot happier if you don’t fall for false promises of bigger breasts, higher cheekbones, and daintier bottoms…Don’t be fooled into spending your hard-earned money on do-over body parts.