"I'm Crazy, but I'd Like to Meet
Strangers on My Local Bus:
What Should I Do First?"

Riding the bus can be an arduous experience, especially if you're on one often and you don't play Sudoku. Often, people would like to get into conversations with new people, making their bus ride a bit less monotonous. Even more often, these same people are insane. " Dresser Drawer" is happy to provide these handy tips on curbing the crazy when meeting new people on the bus.

1. Speak a human language, preferably English if you’re riding the bus in the United States. Everyone loves your ability to communicate with cats, but there is a time and a place for everything.

2. Do not portray yourself as someone who has seen every episode of “Wings” multiple times. It seems like a good idea, we know, but it usually backfires. Anyway, everyone who matters already knows that Tony Shalhoub is a god and Thomas Haden Church is a genius.

3. Your certainty that you know the time and exact manner we’ll all be judged by a higher power is admirable. Your insistence on writing it in blood on people’s chests is not.

4. Sometimes it’s better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to discharge a firearm and accidentally maim the bus driver.

5. For the duration of your ride, refrain from using your cell phone to call a phone sex hotline.

6. Consider buying a hairbrush, taking a shower, or at least splashing a little talc on your junk before hitting the streets.

7. Bus rule number 1. No accordions allowed.

8. Do not repeat out loud, “All work and no play make the bus a dull ride. All work and no play make the bus a dull ride. All work and no play make the bus a dull ride….”

9. There’s no such thing as the three feet high club. Stop trying to convince people it’s real. You made it up, and we all know it.

10. Do not approach people with the line, “Wow, you look so much taller up close than you do through your bathroom window!”