How Can Iran Repair its Tarnished Image Before the Critical Gaze of the Global Community?

In a surreal series of events beginning March 23, a group of 15 British naval personnel were held in Iran after allegedly encroaching on the nation's waters. The nation's "guests" were returned to the United Kingdom April 4 after a set of videos showed the naval personnel playing ping-pong and apologizing for their actions. Now, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad faces a very real problem: how to repair Iran's steadily declining image.

Whatever should he do? The only reasonable course of action would involve a standard public relations blitz, adapted appropriately for a country. What follows is a brief outline of how Iran can convince the world it’s not so scary.

1. Make “Iran” the movie: Nothing softens someone’s image better than movie. Look at Howard Stern. He was known as the one of the most inflammatory disc jockeys of all time, but then he released “Private Parts,” which explained that he was loveable by providing a sensitive voiceover set to an ACDC song. Now, Stern is universally loved and everyone hates Don Imus. Coincidence? I think not.

2. Host the Olympics … or start your own Olympics! International sporting events always help improve international relations. A struggling Sarajevo hosted the winter Olympics in 1984, and now no one seems to know anything about Yugoslavia. You can’t even find it on a map. Of course, being named the host city for the Olympics takes a lot of effort … and a boatload of bribe money. A good alternative would be to start your own international sporting event, the first annual Iranian Olympics. You could even invite the US and let them win enough medals so they feel superior. Europe and Africa have been doing that for years.

3. Give Ann Coulter an Award for Something (preferably not “Excellence in Homophobia”): Ann Coulter represents a large contingency of Americans who think the US Army should bomb Iran out of existence. Coulter took flack in February for referring to Ahmadinejad as a “camel jockey” and “jihad monkey.” Oddly enough, however, the substance of position is more significant than her language. From the same column: “Iran is certainly implying that it has nukes. Maybe they do, maybe they don't, but you can't take chances with berserk psychotics. What if they start having one of these bipolar episodes with a nuclear bomb?” Iran should worry about this sentiment. If enough people start agreeing with Coulter, bombs could go a-flying. Luckily, for now, the US has a president who ignores the will of the American people.

4. Knock off all That Crazy Stuff: Most Americans don’t really know what to think of the stunts Iran is always pulling. Whether it’s denying the Holocaust happened, or allegedly importing guns to insurgents in Iraq, your nation shows up on the radar one too many days a month. The “Iran Hospitality Crisis” of April 4 was just the next in a long line of wacky nonsense. You’re like an old man whose been accused of insanity and responds with a paranoid outburst of curse words and shaking his fist at an invisible adversary. That guy may in fact not be crazy, but his reaction validates the accusation. If it’s Ahmadinejad who’s making you look bad, do what we do in the United States … complain a lot and sleep through Election Day.