Rasputin Looks Over Your Shoulder

Look around the room you’re in at this very moment. You might see a table, some chairs, a gray rug, whatever. My point is, basically anything in the room could be out to get you. A spy could lurk behind the nearest bookshelf, your food could be poisoned, or a ninja could be hanging covertly from your stylish chandelier. Although it may seem paranoid, my perspective on individual safety is informed by some real life experiences. Let me explain.

Born in 1869, I came of age as a lowly peasant and began in the late 1800s to wander the Russian countryside performing self-proclaimed miracles. In 1905, I laid hands on Prince Alexis, the son of Emperor Nicholas and the Empress Alexandra, healing the boy of hemophilia. Using personal and charisma to win friends, I served at the pleasure of the emperor.

Apparently, however, I earned a few enemies at the same time. Whether it was the drinking, womanizing, or the religious zeal, I’ll never know. But in 1916, a group of assassins tried to kill me. First, they tried poison, but I survived. Then they shot me, but I didn’t die. They beat me as well, but nothing seemed to work. Finally, they wrapped me in chains and threw me into the Neva River, where I drowned.

In short, I have two areas of expertise: (a) being a wild-eyed loony and (b) having a sense of well-earned paranoia. Here are few things that all Americans have a right, and even a duty, to feel paranoid about.

1. Coffee Shop Guy. Yes, he is trying to steal your book. You’ve probably noticed the guy I’m talking about. He always orders a latté, sits a little closer to your table than you’d like, and seems to perk up every time you tell one of your friends a funny story. Yeah, that guy. He decided a long time ago that his life isn’t interesting enough to make a book, but he’s convinced he’s destined to be the next John Cheever. He has 200 pages of notes on your life sitting in a box on his desk at home.

2. Ubiquitous Racism. The Don Imus case seems to affirm what many have feared. While public tolerance of racism had declined, a good many people have apparently retreated to private spaces like their homes (or the radio) to air their bigotry.

3. The Patriot Act. Like many, I go through my day-to-day life knowing only part of what’s in the Patriotic Act. It seems like every other week the mainstream media discovers a new loophole in the document that gives the Bush administration power and/or takes civil liberties away from average Americans. Being paranoid about what else is in the Patriotic Act is like getting nervous when you’re reading a horror novel and no one has died in a while.

4. Amazon.com. Yes, they’re harvesting your information, and they have a plan, but I can’t say more. They could be watching right now…