Martha is great.  We’ve moved through many of the preliminary steps in every relationship, drinking coffee together, watching TV together, looking at dental plan brochures together. But nothing prepared me to meet her family. Luckily Martha’s mom is divorced; it’s just Martha, her mom, and what I thought was Martha’s older brother.  Martha’s mother loves me, of course.  I’m great in the kitchen and was even able to darn some of her socks. Thaddeus, Martha’s brother, is only thirteen but grows a better beard than I do.  I’ve been able to effetely avoid Thaddeus until the other night when he walked in on Martha and I watching reruns of “Project Runway”.  He wanted to watch a National Basketball Association tournament match.  It seems that basketball is sort-of his thing. Martha told me to bond with Thaddeus over basketball—but I don’t know anything about the game.  Here’s how you can fake understanding basketball to impress others.

1. Compare every player to Oscar Robertson or Roscoe Jamison.  Oscar Robertson, or, as he’s known on Wikipedia, “The Big O,” is considered by many to be one of the greatest basketball players of all time.  Roscoe Jamison is someone I made up.  But if you pretend like he’s real, the person you are trying to impress will probably be too embarrassed to admit that they haven’t heard of Roscoe—and they’ll be impressed with you for knowing an obscure player.  If they do question you, claim that Jamison played in the ABA.
   
2. Offer to buy treats … and alcohol.
   
3. Never call them the “New York Knickerbockers” or attempt to connect them to Victorian American literature.
   
4. When asked who you want to win, don’t say, “The red team.” This will sell you out nearly faster than anything.  Take the time to learn the mascots of each team.  It will be hard, but very worth your while. (I’ll give you a head start: Utah Jazz=Bear (for some reason); Phoenix Suns=Gorilla (for some reason); Boston Celtics=what you were taught about Irish people in the fourth grade (for some reason).)
   
5. Fake a limp.  Not just to impress people with basketball, but always. You can claim a sports injury, and get out of playing ball in one move.
   
6. Never, even if it is beautiful or hideous, comment on the color scheme of any team’s uniform.  In no time you’ll be slapping backs with the burly. 

I’ll see you in the record store.