Bosworth Magazine Archives November 2007 (Vol. 1 No. 8)

Bosworth: An Online Humor Magazine Brimming with Unearned Self-Importance

Vol. 1 No. 8

November 2007

Bosworth Magazine Archives

By Mixtape Master Pete

I know who you are. You have a clip-on nipple ring. You bought the 80 gig black ipod that you load with analog recordings of bootlegged Pink Floyd/Sugar Hill Gang concerts. You borrowed $75 from your mom to buy that Elvis Costello lunchbox. And with all the new additions to your parent’s basement (a dartboard, black wallpaper, an N64), you’ve jumped a stratum and you’re ready to start dating accordingly. You just need to tell your current significant other that you might be a little too cool for them, while still fostering that new self that will insure that your next catch will be even better.
mixtape master pete

Here’s how you do it.

First, you start dropping hints:
You: “Which Clash album is your favorite?”
Them: “The Clash?”
You: “I hate you.” Or…
You: “Who were the Bolsheviks?”
Them: “You don’t know who the Bolsheviks were?”
You: “Bolsheviks are bullshittiest. I’ll tell you about…”

Second, start the lengthy pull away:
Them: “What are you doing this weekend?”
You: “Separating our record collection. Why? What are you doing this weekend? I hear the new want-ads are really good.”

Third, change her ring-tone from Nicco’s/Velvet Underground’s “These Days” to the Smiths “Meat is Murder.”

Fourth, cut communication:
You: “You’re mother’s a slagging whore. Look up “slagging” in a British slang dictionary. Whore!”
Them: “What?”
You: “Exactly.”

Fifth, get her written permission to use her name when you write poetry about your tragic break-up/down that you’ll read at the next open mic night held at the coffee shop with the worst customer service in town.

Sixth, start scoping out people at the same said coffee shop, preferable people who wears bondage gear during the day.

Repeat the above steps until the right significant other is found. Good luck and keep mixing it up.

Love, Mixtape Master Pete

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