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Bosworth
Magazine Archives
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Thrifty is Nifty,
but Gratis is the Baddest!
By Matt Lavin
 We
all love a bargain. Whether it’s a three-dollar tweed winter coat at
the local thrift store or a “buy one get one free” sale on Maalox,
getting something at a reduced price makes anyone with the slightest
bit of character feel luckier than an Irishman with a coat made out of
rabbits’ feet.
The only thing better than getting something cheap, is getting it for free.
Finding a freebee can be challenging, but it’s not impossible. Check this list a of a few surefire ways to score free goods.
Have a party. Any
time you throw even the most modest soiree, a mass of grateful peers
will likely attend. They’ll trash your apartment, leave empty beer
bottles in your shower and dresser drawers, and possibly kill your
parakeet, but a handful of them will also bring a bottle of wine as a
courtesy. Free wine!
Head over to the Department of Motor Vehicles,
and tell the person behind the desk that you need the paperwork for a
change of address. When she gives you the forms and pen, say you have
to go to your car to check the license plate number. Take the pen
outside with you and bust out of there at top speed, never to return.
Free pen!
Mosey into the middle of street during rush hour,
right when a car is about to pass hurriedly through a crowded
intersection. Time your jaunt so that the car hits you head on. When
the motorist stop and begins to panic, demand to exchange insurance
information with him. Once he’s been distracted by his brush with
death, pocket the pen he gave you and head for the hills. Another free
pen!
Pay a visit to the local police station,
and tell the person behind the front desk that you need to confess to a
murder. Take the paperwork and a pen from the officer of record, then
explain to the police that you have to go to your car to get one of the
dead bodies of the people you killed. When they send you back to the
car, high tail it out of there as fast as you can, taking the pen with
you. Score! A third free pen!
Drop in on the parking lot behind
the English and Philosophy Building on the University of Iowa campus in
Iowa City. There you’ll spot two road cones, which some philistine has
decided to place in the gap between the road and curb so that bicycles
cannot pass through the toll station. The same philistine has written,
with a sharpie, on each cone: “no bicycles.” Take a look at this
spectacle, then feel free to toss the road cones into your car and
vamoose. Free road cones! |
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