Bosworth Magazine Archives November 2007 (Vol. 1 No. 8)

Bosworth: An Online Humor Magazine Brimming with Unearned Self-Importance

Vol. 1 No. 8

November 2007

Bosworth Magazine Archives

By Howie Lichtersnach

I’m always looking for a compelling experience, and I’ve found an annual Gulf Coast event that provides one so great that I would recommend it to all.

Apparently, every year, my new city of residence is invaded by thousands of classic car enthusiasts. Classic cars, yeah, not something I have much of an interest in, but if that’s your thing, that’s cool.

So, these gearheads descend on the Gulf Coast, and the thing to do is to cruise up and down the Beach. For four days. Exciting?

If driving a car on an endless loop up and down a beach for four days straight isn’t your thing, or if you don’t have a classic car, you can partake in another way, the way I did.

howie

Go around the corner to a convenience store, pick up a pack of Marlboro lights, and beer, the more and the cheaper the better, grab a folding chair, and watch the classic cars cruise up and down the beach, ruining the atmosphere with millions of pounds of carbon dioxide from their exhaust pipe and ruin the city’s weekend by making it take 20 minutes to go three blocks.

Yes, you’ve got that right, sit on a folding chair, whack beers, and watch cars.

And rednecks.

Ok, maybe not rednecks, but real southerners.

It’s one thing, I suppose, to own a classic Dodge Charger, but it’s another to cruise it up and down the beach with a Confederate flag flying off the back with an emblem stating “The South Will Rise Again,” but it’s quite another to look at the guy sitting next to you (in this case, me) and say with a thick Southern drawl and say, “An’ you know dass right!”

That’s great, but not so great as what the competitive element of human nature brings to this festivus of vehicular display.

The competition is to have a vehicle with raw power, and the sports cars and muscle cars don’t disappoint. And they way they compete is not measured in speed or in time, but rather, in smoke.

During the cruise, it’s seen as good form to spin your wheels on the asphalt every block or so, creating a cloud of rubbery gray smoke that gently wafts towards the spectators.

Everyone remembers the one kid in high school who put way too much money into his 1993 Honda, you know, tricking it out with the tinted windows, loud exhaust system, Honda logo in the back window, maybe a spoiler, neon lights in the underbody, spending money on every ridiculous accessory he can find while still not managing to get a desperately needed paint job, usually because one door is turquoise while the rest of the car is silver.

You know him; he’s the guy that manages to chirp the tires pulling out of a parking lot in an attempt to impress the eighth grade girls he’s hoping to score a hand job from at a party this weekend.

He’s probably also a habitual abuser of hair gel and possibly also a tanorexic. He’s probably one day going to find himself on hotchickswithdouchebags.com, but I digress.

These good ol’ boys make that kid look like the douchebag that he is.

F-ck that kid and his Honda, we’re talking guys who have a GTO (a classic, remember that seen in “Slapshot,” where Paul Newman, a guy who knows a thing or two about driving peels out in a GTO… in reverse… going up a hill?) deciding that said Pontiac’s gigantic, American-made, gas-guzzling powerhouse of an engine isn’t powerful enough, so he put a supercharger (a device that forces more air into the engine’s cylinders, creating a richer fuel/air mixture) onto it, upping it to around oh, 650 horsepower.

And then, while you sit on your folding chair, drinking your Bud, enjoying the scene of a highway lined with people, cars everywhere, here, right in front of you, GTO guy lights his tires up for 15 seconds in a celebration of raw American mechanical superiority.

Beautiful.

Copyright 2007. All content on this site is original to Bosworth Magazine unless otherwise indicated. All rights reserved.
Special thanks to Robin Stephen for web design consultation, and for drawing much of the artwork seen on the site.

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