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Bosworth
Magazine Archives
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on Corny Seduction Ploys
 Gather your love poems while you
can,
Your eager lover
is a-waiting,
For that same poem
that gets you laid today,
Tomorrow will
leave you masturbating.
Greeting cards: If you’re looking for a surefire way to convince
your lover he or she could trade you in for an equivalent model at any
time, greeting cards will most definitely meet your needs. Shop for
something that says, “Dear sir or madam, I have never seen eyes
as blue/green/brown as yours. Let’s copulate.” Also, you
can use the greeting card to give your would-be lover a nice paper cut.
Watching romantic comedies: Not all romantic comedies are equally bad,
but the mandatory nature of the mainstream American “date
movie” makes it harder, I repeat, harder, for couples to get
together. Women are inundated with images of good-hearted, emotionally
inaccessible, cool guys who show up in the last five minutes of the
flick and turn into the perfect mate. In real life, to the contrary,
the surest course of action for a known douchebag is that he’ll
continue to be a douchebag. Every romantic comedy in the theaters today
should be converted into a double feature … and the second movie
should in each theater should be a documentary called, “Most
Effective Ways to Kill Yourself.”
As a side note, re-enacting scenes from romantic comedies to try and
win someone over is also a horrible, horrible idea, unless it’s
the stereo scene from “Say Anything.” That’s a
classic.
Writing/reciting romantic poetry: The only thing worse than reading
your mate a sonnet by Robert Herrick or William Shakespeare is writing
that person a sonnet of your own. Unless the final couplet of the poem
ends with the word “dudestick,” I cannot in good conscience
endorse that poem.
Pretending to lose your keys so you have to spend the night with your
date: Actually, this one still works fairly well.
Long
Deceased: Humphrey Bogart and Restroom Fornication
I don’t think we’re in Minneapolis anymore, Dorothy, but if we are,
I’ll hold it in till I get to Phoenix.
Recent news of Sen. Larry Craig’s public restroom fornication
scandal has traveled like a shockwave from the bottom of my whiskey
filled gut to the tips of my stone cold toes. The Idaho Senator,
according to reports, was arrested after he solicited sex in the
men’s room at the Minneapolis airport.
He originally pleaded guilty to a reduced charge but withdrew his
guilty plea in late September. He also announced his intention to
resign from office but has toyed with the idea of trying to resurrect a
political career that’s all but gone down the toilet, no pun
intended.
Sue me, but I can’t help feeling a bit of nostalgia for an era
where a senator’s sexual politics were separate from his actual
politics. In my day, private actions were just that. Private. We
didn’t want to know what happened in people’s bedrooms and
had a pretty good idea what they did in the bathroom…
For Christ’s sake, in this day and age, they’d have to
rename all my old movies. I made “The Petrified Tourist,”
not “The Wangified Tourist.”
I starred in “The Maltese Falcon” … not “The Man-Tease Fornication.”
“Casblanca” won an Oscar … not “Casa-Boinka.”
I starred in “Beat the Devil” … not “Beat Off the Devil” …
“The Treasure of Sierra Madre” … not “The Pleasure of Tiara Padre.”
Not to mention “The African Queen.” (You could pretty much
keep that title, if you changed around a few of the characters.)
Yesterday was a different age. You could smack a girl’s rump in
the workplace without getting sued, and drinking on the job got you
nominated for an Academy Award. Words like “dame” and
“skirt” were at least mildly acceptable. On the other hand,
we had our share of poverty, and racism … and homophobia.
In short, we had our problems. Our age’s gold was gilded, and our
gays were gelded. Maybe the problem isn’t that things have
changed, it’s that they haven’t changed enough. When you
stigmatize something to the point that a person can’t admit who
he is because of his politics, it’s not much of surprise when his
proclivities show up in the restroom.
Now’s the time to learn a lesson. If we don’t see the Craig
incident as a wake up call, we’re going to regret it
… maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but soon
… and for the rest of our lives.
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