Bosworth Magazine Archives October 2007 (Vol. 1 No. 7)

Click here to return to the main archives page

Bosworth: An Online Humor Magazine Brimming with Unearned Self-Importance

Vol. 1 No. 7

October 2007

Bosworth Magazine Archives

Show Some Respect for the Guy Bootlegging the Movie

bootlegger

By Matt Lavin

What could be more annoying than having your favorite film ruined by invading the silhouette of a random dude standing up to adjust his trousers and scratch his junk?

Not much. Not much indeed.

Come with me, for a moment, on a magical journey. You’ve just sat down in front of your computer, in the privacy of your own home, to watch a recent theatrical release without paying for it. You’ve used any number of questionable downloading software packages to gain access to the film, and you’re looking forward to a quiet, fulfilling night of slightly illegal entertainment. You switch the flick, and it’s every bit as good as you thought it might be when you first saw a trailer for it. But then, the video is suddenly disrupted for a full thirty seconds. Some theatergoer not two rows in front of the cam quarter, it would seem, has picked the worst moment in the world to go to the bathroom.

Is it too much to ask that people at the movie theater show a little respect to the guy bootlegging the picture for the rest of us? Sure, he’s breaking the law, but we all want him in there. We need him in there. We all sleep a little better knowing the Bob Q. Bootlegger is out there producing cheap advance copies of “Titanic.”

But can an average moviegoer show the kind of respect I’m talking about? Simple.

1.    Notice your local bootlegger. He’s the guy near the center of the theater wearing a trench coat in mid-July, who has an odd bulge coming from his mid-section. (Be careful not to confuse him with your local pervert, who looks fairly similar, but usually has a smaller bulge.)
2.    Avoid entering your local bootlegger’s line of sight. It’s not too hard, I’d say, to make an effort to walk up the opposite aisle if you elect to go to the bathroom.
3.    Refrain from shouting at the movie. (This comes out on film, and trust me: you sound like jackass.)
4.    If you’re next to your local bootlegger, please chew quietly.
5.    If you’re next to your local bootlegger, and on a date, please fornicate quietly.
6.    If you’re next to your local bootlegger, and alone, please fornicate quietly.
7.    If you have big hair, do not sit in front of the bootlegger.
8.    Do not acknowledge and/or thank the bootlegger for his/her service to this great nation.
9.    Do not fornicate with the bootlegger.
10.    Do not rat out bootleggers.

Furthermore, I request that cinemas across the nation post these rules outside all their theaters. A simple reminder that bootleggers are decent hard-working thieves would really help keep things professional.

Finally, the FBI warning at the beginning of a film should also state these courtesies. I know what you’re thinking. Why should the FBI go out of its way to do bootleggers a favor? They’re criminals, after all. Well, maybe if the FBI were a bit nicer to bootleggers, bootleggers would be a bit nicer to the FBI. If I were a bootlegger (and I’m not … please don’t arrest me) I would gladly leave the FBI copyright warning in my bootlegs in exchange for a little professional courtesy.

Copyright 2007. All content on this site is original to Bosworth Magazine unless otherwise indicated. All rights reserved.
Special thanks to Robin Stephen for web design consultation, and for drawing much of the artwork seen on the site.

Click any of the links below to refer Bosworth Magazine to the social bookmarking website of your choice: