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Bosworth
Magazine Archives
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Worst Wedding
Toast Faux Pas
 Toasting a bride and
groom at a wedding requires a special touch. Too zany and you run the
risk of offending the wedding guests. Too somber and you’ll
have the bridge and groom experiencing a level of boredom
that’s usually reserved for the marriage itself. If
you’re ever a member of a wedding party, it will be your job
to walk this line between irrelevance and offensiveness. Here are a few
toasts to avoid at all costs:
1. TOO
NERDY: Julie and Bob are a truly inspiring couple. They
compliment each other like Captain Kirk and Lieutenant Spock. Not the
early episodes of Star Trek where the duo’s relationship was
antagonistic, more like in ‘Star Trek: The Wrath of
Khan,’ when Spock is dying and he says, ‘I have
been and always shall be your friend.’ Bob and Julie, of
course, are more than friends. And Julie isn’t
dying… Cheers!
2.
TOO DESPERATE: Serving as maid of honor for Beth is one
of the great pleasures of my life. We’ve been friends
forever. I was even with her at the bar when she met Mike. We saw him
across the room, and I said to her, “this one’s
mine.” I just stared at his rippling muscles, undressing him
with my eyes. Before I knew it, however, Beth was halfway across the
room, preparing to ask her future husband to dance with her.
C’est la vie, right? Carpe diem! In conclusion, Mike, I wish
nothing but the best for you and Beth … but if things
don’t work out, just so you know, I’m wearing a
tear away ball gown.
3. TOO
HOMOPHOBIC: When Fernando and Clarence first asked me to
be their best man, I had my hesitations. I was raised in a conservative
community, and the idea of being a best man at a gay wedding had never
even crossed my mind. I mean, let’s face it, in order to be
gay, you have to do some messed up stuff. Despite my reservations, I
signed on. After all, you guys are my friends, and I care about you
both very deeply. So I say, who care what kind of twisted, perverted
crap you pull in the privacy of your own home. Here’s to a
happy life together!
4. TOO
HONEST: The first I met Ethan’s
fiancée Laura, I didn’t care for her very much.
She has a way of making a particularly offensive first impression.
I’m not sure whether it was the swearing or the constant
whining about the movie we went to see … the point is,
something about Laura really rubbed me the wrong way! I mean,
seriously, what kind of jerk makes such a big deal out of collecting a
few dollars worth of gas money from each person in her car? And
what’s with that smell? Anyway, to make a long story short, I
got used to Laura. I mean, my best friend’s marrying her,
right? What else could I do? Skol!
5. TOO
CRAZY: Melissa and Randy are a great couple and wish them
nothing but the best but I can’t help but wondering what
they’re after, I mean, seriously, these two people, these two
fucking people, they just agree to spend their lives together? Does
anybody else besides me see something just a little spooky going on,
here, I mean, I’m not trying to cause a fuss or whatever but
maybe, just maybe, this whole thing’s just a bit too
convenient. Am I wrong here? Am I out of line? If I’m wrong,
I’ll shut up. It just seems a bit too convenient, like whose
interests does it serve? Whose agenda is this all about, anyway? Love?
Loyalty? Society? Procreation? The military industrial complex?
Mozaltof!
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