Jeremiatron 1000:
Cybernetic Prophet

Repent sinners! The hour of reckoning is at hand! Based on humidity rates for the past 542 days, in conjunction with the increased frequency of Elton John songs on popular U.S. radio stations, I predict with 72 percent certainty that McDonald’s will begin selling O.J. Simpson themed “If I Did It” Happy Meals, which will most assuredly usher in a swift and merciless apocalypse. (Side note: The cable news media will find O.J. guilty of the next five things he is accused of doing.)