Dian Fossey, Expert on Bizarre Primate Behavior, Discusses the Bush Legacy

Observe George W. Bush in his natural habitat. Strange. Disinterested in facts. Physically fit. Incomprehensible in his behaviors. Randomly aggressive. Barely capable of verbal communication.

Understanding President Bush and his administration isn’t easy, but, as one history’s most well known experts on bizarre primate behavior, I think it appropriate that I share my perspective on the commander-in-chief’s emerging legacy.

I spent the better part of my life studying the behaviors of gorillas in their natural habitat. I made my way to Africa for the first time in the 1960s, spent years in Zaire and Rwanda, and earned a doctorate in zoology at Cambridge in the 1970s. After this stint in Britain, I returned to Africa and spent the better part of my life taking political action against poachers. My book, “Gorillas in the Mist” was eventually made into a film starring Sigourney Weaver. I was murdered in 1985 as a result of my political convictions, but my untimely death in no way disqualifies me to take a long hard look at the simian practices of the Bush White House. 

President George W. Bush hasn’t always “made sense” to rational people. He pushed an education package called “No Child Left Behind” that has had a negative effect on the nation’s education system in a variety of ways. He pushed environmental legislation called “The Clear Skies Act” that slackened environmental standards. He talked tough after 9/11, and then insisted the U.S. invade a country that had nothing to do with 9/11, simultaneously ignoring many of the recommendations of the 9/11 commission, who pointed out key gaps in the nation’s security. He’s been an advocate of no-warrant wiretapping, torture, and the suspension of habeas corpus for suspected terrorists. In speeches he’s said things like, “I know how hard it is to put food on your family” and “I talk to the families that die.” He says “nuke-ular.” He says “dudn’t.” He furrows his brow. He chuckles like a buffoon. 

In short, his behaviors beg comparison with low order primates. So as we look at his legacy, we should keep this in mind. We can’t judge president Bush by human standards.

He didn’t find bin Laden, but would a gorilla have succeeded where he failed? He’s rolled personal freedoms to pre-1776 levels, but imagine how oppressed we would be if a monkey ran the country. And imagine how much debt we’d be in a banana-loving chimp were in charge of appropriations!

As I draw this comparison, perhaps a closer look at the silverback gorilla is warranted. Gorillas are vegetarians, subsisting primarily on fruits, tree bark, and plants. They form complex, cooperative societies and mate for life. Gorillas in captivity have been taught sign language and proven themselves capable of complex communication. One gorilla has even scored a 95 on an IQ test. 

While sometimes erroneously described as aggressive in nature, gorillas are in fact private and peaceful. They respond aggressively to intruders, surely, but they tend to direct their defense at the actual attacker. They don’t make war. They don’t commit genocide. They don’t deceive their way into a war of choice. In short, comparing President Bush to gorilla may not be fair, after all; the president hardly meets the gorilla standard … although if things get much worse for him, he may just hurl his feces at his critics.