Bosworth Magazine Archives September 2007 (Vol. 1 No. 6)

Click here to return to the main archives page

Bosworth: An Online Humor Magazine Brimming with Unearned Self-Importance

Vol. 1 No. 6

September 2007

Bosworth Magazine Archives

So, I've Decided to Start Wearing a Bib

By Matt Lavin

Like most clumsy people, I have “food issues.” I chew with my mouth open, I occasionally rub ice cream on my forehead, etc, etc. The absolute worst part of being clumsy, however, occurs when I spill food on my pants and/or shirt. Since I’m a full time bachelor, this incident always means one thing: a stain that will never come out.

I could learn to remove stains more effectively, and I could eat more carefully, but let’s face it: I’m going to ruin outfit after outfit until I do something drastic. So I’ve decided to start wearing a bib.

Sure, people will make fun of me at first. “Hey, Bib Face, what’s with the bib?” I get it. It’s funny because “bib.” “What’s a matter, Bibby, can’t eat without a bib?” Nope, I can’t.

Later, wearing a bib will become a trend. People won’t just wear bibs for eating, they’ll wear them the way people have bling today. People will buy designer bibs, and bibs with the logos of their favorite bands on them. People will purchase cool, ironic vintage bibs from ebay. “Please, mom, can I get the Star Wars bib? Please?”

Of course, a mid sized bib will only do so much. I often spill food on my pants, especially the crotch area. A conventional bib offers me no quarter. To paraphrase the movie “Jaws”: we’re going to need a bigger bib.

So I will dedicate myself to improving the bib. We’ll make it bigger, faster, and more moisture resistant. Tougher. More efficient. Immune to conventional pesticides. Impervious to time-travel relating tampering. Bold in the face of tyranny. Untraceable. Pure.

The world will grow to love the bib, not just for babies, but for adults. Imagine a world where bibs unite us all. Muslim and Christian. Man and woman. Peter Gabriel Genesis fans and Phil Collins Genesis fans. Black-white, rich-poor, Franken-Coulter, Sarah with an H and Sara without an H. Sciences and Humanities. Nicorette and Nicoderm. Hillary and Obama. Bibs for all. Bibs for a better tomorrow.

Copyright 2007. All content on this site is original to Bosworth Magazine unless otherwise indicated. All rights reserved.
Special thanks to Robin Stephen for web design consultation, and for drawing much of the artwork seen on the site.

Click any of the links below to refer Bosworth Magazine to the social bookmarking website of your choice: